Laugh with Alan. A series of stories for like-minded friends. #1
Oh, where oh where have all the baked apples gone?
Dear reader, tradition dictates I tell you a story that happened at Zemel’s Bakery in the village of Little Pletzl. Years ago, every Friday morning at eleven, three ladies headed towards ZeeBees for a coffee and a sharing of three baked apples. They always sat together at their regular spot located at the rear of the bakery very near to a collection of five men known discreetly by the staff as the Little Pletzl Pishers Circle.
Like many ladies of a certain age, the ladies incessantly loved to talk. Jennya was the smallest of the three, she wore huge platform shoes to compensate for her lack of height. Together with a pair of large dark glasses, a bright yellow jacket, and skin-tight black leggings, she looked the epitome of someone who had great difficulty in rising – forgive the pun – to an age, I will go no further in explaining.
Faigel was at one time the quietest of the three. She had been the community’s quintessential certified matchmaker. Her infinite wisdom was regarded with the utmost respect by the younger members of the community and their parents alike. Her record of success was second to none. She abounded with enthusiasm and energy that would put Eliezer, the servant of Abraham, the matchmaker for Abraham’s son Isaac, relegated to the second choice.
Regrettably, the combination of religion and politics was not a subject treated with respect by Faigel. As the exclusive certified community matchmaker, it was her sworn duty to uphold the primary tenet of her trade. Thou must not be a Yenta! (A busybody).
As she became older, she became a blabbermouth. Her unrestrained views on how the community was run exceeded the bounds of good breeding. She started to wear a red shawl with the letter MOCGA boldly inscribed around her shoulders. “Make Our Community Great Again,” became her mantra. Faigel was decertified as a Shadchanit (Matchmaker) soon after.
Hannale completed the group of three. Widowed at a young age, in her youth she had been a supreme advocate of the roll-your-own cigarette and gambling fraternity. There was never a time without a cigarette dangling out of her mouth, supplemented by the ash on her enormous natural H-cup breasts which, with a brush of her right hand, eventually found its way down to her tiny waist.
She was proud of her tiny waist was Hannale. So much so that at all the community’s simchas (joyous events) over time it became a tradition to tell the story about her tiny waist and her baked apple.
One Sunday morning at ZeeBees, Hannale sat at a booth with her family. It wasn’t a particularly dysfunctional family, other than to say they rarely spoke to each other. They each ordered baked apples.
Well, to continue. While eating, Hannale, with her mouth full of apple, keeled over and ended up with her H-cups temporarily assigned to splattering the six plates of baked apples in front of her.
Thankfully, Hannale’s two nieces managed to guide her to the nearest female-friendly washroom, where they cleaned her up and diagnosed the problem. Hannale’s under-bust corset was too tight.
The two nieces, guided by the principles of decency, said nothing on their return to the table. On the other hand, they removed all the remaining portions of baked apple and with a flourish, deposited Hannale’s corset on the table for all to see.
Hannale, in front of all ZeeBees’ patrons and staff, standing erect, flouting her H-cups, responded magnificently in her Yiddish Eastern European accent.
“De pave zol nit hobn de sheyne federn, volt zikh keyner a fir nit umgekukt!” (If the peacock didn’t have beautiful feathers, no one would pay any attention to it).
From that day onwards, Zemel Bakery never served baked apples again, even though for tradition it remained on their menu.☼
Photo credit cf.foodista.com
Dear reader, full disclosure here. If you haven’t already figured it out, unashamedly, I admit to writing the book The Village of Little Pletzl-on-the-Zump.
The book is published by Baronel Books, Toronto, and is available in Paperback and eBook format on all Amazon/Kindle, Barnes & Noble (USA), Waterstones (UK), and Hatchards (UK) websites, and in selected independent bookstores.